Saturday, September 17, 2005

Super Wal-Mart Man

"We're sorry, you have activated Wal-Mart's inventory control system. Please step back, and an associate will help you. Thank you." But as the guy with the stereo under his arm continues towards the outer doors and freedom, to the rescue comes our hero- a white-haired man with a Wal-Mart vest. Power-walking from his place by the carts, "I am Super Wal-Mart Man! I am going to catch you, you evil young blond-headed shoplifter person! Only, could you slow down a little first?" Stereo guy disappears into the night, as Super Wal-Mart Man waddles dejectedly back into the store and is comforted by his vested sidekick, Tiny Green Man. "It's OK, Super Wal-Mart Man, you'll get him next time..."

Tiny Green Man hates the boring night shift. So he reaches into his tiny green brain for a vestige of creativity..."What the hey! How did twelve birthday cards get lined up in chronological order in the ice cream aisle?" Tiny Green Man giggles madly to himself until Super Wal-Mart Man discovers him and thunders, "Stop messing with the customers' heads and get back to the lair!"

"All right, T.G.M., you know the drill. You stand there and check out items realllly slowly so I can come up to all the pretty girls standing in line and say, My register's open! I'll be their HERO!" Ever the sycophant, Tiny Green Man complies. He adores Super Wal-Mart Man. For he believes, with all his tiny green heart, that Super Wal-Mart Man will one day rule the world...


At 9/17/2005 10:26:00 PM, Blogger Jeff H said...

Well, since WalMart already rules the retail and inventory control world, I'd say he's got a pretty good start on world domination.

I hate those stupid alarms; and they make the customer feel like they've done something wrong, when 9,999 times out of 10,000 it's the fault of the cashier who didn't roll the item over the demagnetizer at their register.

At 9/17/2005 11:06:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

at the wal mart i shop at, no one even stops when those things go off and no one even bothers going after anyone. i don't know why they even bother having them. i love our greetors at our wal mart, the name tag of my favorite one actually says "grandma". how cute is that?

At 9/18/2005 11:19:00 AM, Blogger TC said...

Tooo funny! made me laugh out loud!

Where I live, those alarms are completely ignored. I am pretty sure I could walk out without paying for a bed and a bookshelf and no one ould look twice at me.

At 9/18/2005 11:49:00 AM, Blogger ~Deb said...

It's sad, but these days, security guards and "Walmart higher ups" are too scared to do anything about shoplifters. Now, shoplifters are frequently murdering employees due to petty larceny. Sad. One of the many reasons I would never be a security guard- I'd be too frightened.

On the other hand, have you ever walked in to a Home Depot store, and use one of those self check out counters? HOW FRUSTRATING ARE THOSE?

"Please remove the item off the table." The computerized voice says.

It has been already moved---she keeps insisting that it's still on there.

Then when you walk out- the security alarm goes off.

Wasn't it nice back in the old days when there was actually a human being on the other side checking your items out?


At 9/18/2005 04:10:00 PM, Blogger Lucy Stern said...

We have quite a team at my Wal-Mart. They stop every third person that goes out and checks their receipt and merchandise. If that alarm goes off, you better watch out.

As far as those "self checkouts", I only use them when I have only one or two items, no coupons, and cash. Usually they are a pain in the you know what.

At 9/18/2005 04:38:00 PM, Blogger banjonomad said...

funny thing is...i can see that actually happening. :) I've seen a lot of funny things happen in my numerous wal mart visits. gotta love the place...and it's diverse employees.

At 9/18/2005 07:47:00 PM, Blogger Rebel_Posse1973 said...

Sometimes they forget to demagnatize the security strips inside DVD's thusly causing the alarm to go off and I have to empty all the contents of my bag for Super Wal-Mart Man and look really stupid. That aggravates me.


At 9/18/2005 08:35:00 PM, Blogger David said...

yes go read sandy - Maui mama her surfing story is cool and disgusting!!!

At 9/18/2005 08:41:00 PM, Blogger David said...

Walmart is not a safe place for anyone to shop or to work. I am convinced that UFO's search the parking lots looking for farmers to abduct.

At 9/19/2005 01:20:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Faster than a speeding stroller, stronger than checkout belt, smarter than laptop!

Da da da daaaaaa, it's super walmart man!


At 9/19/2005 09:47:00 AM, Blogger Natalia said...

I feel sorry for the WalMart dude


At 9/19/2005 12:11:00 PM, Blogger Guinevere Meadow said...

We made that stupid thing go off the other day. Super WalMart man waddled up to us and inspected our receipt and the contents of our cart, and almost looked DISAPPOINTED that we hadn't stolen anything. Their inventory system must be on the fritz because we heard it going off the whole time we were in there!

At 9/19/2005 01:45:00 PM, Blogger bigwhitehat said...

The Super Wal-Mart cameras have captured images of Stick Fingers Man. And Super Wal-Mart leagal prosecutes all offenses.

At 9/20/2005 12:04:00 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

I want to be a super walmart woman when I grow up. Just for two weeks, and then I'll quit. It will be long enough to fight injustice!

At 9/20/2005 09:28:00 PM, Blogger Bar Bar A said...

This is hysterical! I knew they forced their employees to work slow on purpose, now I have documented proof. Thanks!

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