Super Wal-Mart Man
"We're sorry, you have activated Wal-Mart's inventory control system. Please step back, and an associate will help you. Thank you." But as the guy with the stereo under his arm continues towards the outer doors and freedom, to the rescue comes our hero- a white-haired man with a Wal-Mart vest. Power-walking from his place by the carts, "I am Super Wal-Mart Man! I am going to catch you, you evil young blond-headed shoplifter person! Only, could you slow down a little first?" Stereo guy disappears into the night, as Super Wal-Mart Man waddles dejectedly back into the store and is comforted by his vested sidekick, Tiny Green Man. "It's OK, Super Wal-Mart Man, you'll get him next time..."
Tiny Green Man hates the boring night shift. So he reaches into his tiny green brain for a vestige of creativity..."What the hey! How did twelve birthday cards get lined up in chronological order in the ice cream aisle?" Tiny Green Man giggles madly to himself until Super Wal-Mart Man discovers him and thunders, "Stop messing with the customers' heads and get back to the lair!"
"All right, T.G.M., you know the drill. You stand there and check out items realllly slowly so I can come up to all the pretty girls standing in line and say, My register's open! I'll be their HERO!" Ever the sycophant, Tiny Green Man complies. He adores Super Wal-Mart Man. For he believes, with all his tiny green heart, that Super Wal-Mart Man will one day rule the world...