Friday, April 15, 2005

Let's Hope This Never Happens

I am really dense sometimes. I was sitting here watching The Nanny and wondering, "Gee, Lifetime usually shows the episodes in order, why are they showing the episode where Fran gets audited today?" It wasn't until halfway through the Golden Girls episode where Dorothy gets audited that I realized, "Hey, maybe Lifetime's going with a tax day theme." Duh. At least I wasn't surprised when Blanche got audited. I hope that never happens to me.....

"Miss B., what are these deductions for gifts sent to someone named Bubba?"
"I can explain that..."
"And I've never heard of this disability- blogging addiction, what's a blog anyway?"
"Oh, they are really cool, you want to see mine?"
"No. Let's just get on with the audit."
"Yes sir, I am happy for you to audit me." (ask me where that quote REALLY came from sometime).
"Now, I see you work at Bath and Body Works?"
"Yes sir."
"Uh-huh. Yet you apparently have allergies, how can you stand to work there? And isn't it true you ended up in the E.R.? While you were at work?"
"Well, yes, Mr. Auditer, sir..."
"SILENCE! Did I say you could speak?"
"Well, no sir, but as you will notice in line 10.C., I also suffer from an inability to shut up."
"Well, that I believe."
"Thank you sir."
"Now, what's this deduction about?"
"Miss B., I asked you a question."
"ANSWER the question!"
"But you told me to shut up."
"Well, now I'm telling you to talk!"
"Yes sir. You see this deduction is for..."
"Shut it!"
"Yes sir."
"You know what? You annoy me. You're going down."
"But, why?"
"Because I can."
"Nooooo! Somebody rescue me. Somebody. Anybody?"
Collective laughter.
"Don't leave me here like this! Guys? Help me! Guys?"


At 4/15/2005 10:10:00 PM, Blogger Jeff H said...

{ring, ring}

Receptionist: "IRS Office, how may I help you?"

Voice: Is it true you've audited a "Nettie B."?

R: Let me transfer you to Agent Blowhard.

{"Girl from Ipanema" muzak playing for 45 minutes}

Agent BH: Agent Blowhard, what the ____ do you want?

Voice: I can see you.

Agent BH: Oh, yeah? Well, what am I wearing?

Voice: A fluffy cuff and women's shoes.

Agent BH: OK, OK, I'll do whatever you say...just don't report me to my boss--fluffy cuffs aren't allowed on the premises.

Voice: There's a victim you're tormenting, named Nettie B.

Agent BH: Yeah, the little chatty one. Wearing a bird on her shoulder. What about her?

Voice: You must let her go.

Agent BH: Why? She got some kinda good on you?

Voice: SILENCE!!! You will let her go, now.

Agent BH: I'll do what I can, but I'm just a lowly auditer...

Voice: Condi will not be pleased if...

Agent BH: Who? Condi? Who's that?

Voice: Oh my GOD!!! Can you be so out-to-lunch, even for a government lackey? Condi.

Agent BH:

Voice: The Secretary of State?

Agent BH:

Voice: boots...

Agent BH: Whatever you say, Mr. Voice, Ms. B. will be released immediately, her taxes have all been paid in full, she will not be audited ever again, and any future earning she receives will be non-taxable.

Voice: Thank you, good bye.


At 4/15/2005 10:12:00 PM, Blogger Jeff H said...

It's nice to have friends in high places, isn't it?

At 4/15/2005 10:15:00 PM, Blogger Nettie said...

Yes. It is.

At 4/16/2005 11:09:00 AM, Blogger Amigo said...

Good post Nettie. If you ever get the time, perhaps you can try screenwriting. You got Blanche down perfect.

On a different note, sorry I misunderstood your comment on my blog.

At 4/16/2005 09:13:00 PM, Blogger Hannah said...

ok, so I don't have a comments about the post really, but as I was reading it I noticed the words to a familiar Kermit the Frog song scrolling along the bottom of my screen. I love "The Rainbow Connection!" Oh yeah, and God rocks my face off!!

At 4/17/2005 12:08:00 PM, Blogger kopi said...

This reminds me, I've gotta submit my income tax form!!!!


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