Let's Make It Christmas

Why? Because it's my blog and I said so. Just follow my simple guidelines and you'll be feeling that Yuletide spirit in no time....

First off- the music. I find that the Chipmunks work best for this purpose, but you can pick what suits your fancy- Mariah, a classic, or maybe even some Weird Al like I've got on now. The important thing is to play it really loud and when your roommates/family/neighbors/cops ask you to turn it down, say, "It's Christmas, silly!" and blast it even more.

Next, go to your local mall and get all your Christmas shopping done now- with all the sales undoubtedly going on, you can't beat the timing. Just be nice to all the lovely associates- we work hard in retail, you know.

Better yet, get some random presents for yourself. And when your loved ones ask six months from now, "Where's mine?" "Sorry, I spent it all on myself at Christmas in July."

No, you didn't waste time taping all those Christmas specials two years ago. Pull 'em out now and relive every tender moment as cows talk, wishes come true, and evil gets thwarted yet again.

So there's no one hawking gorgeous evergreens on the corner. That blasted pine tree in your front yard will do just as well. And don't forget the indoors- you know you've been dying to get out your 1,000-strong collection of little elves, each hand-carved and painted so they're all different. Come here, you cute little heirlooms, you!

And that delicious Winter Candy Apple that you bought for 75 percent off last month and squirreled away under the sink? Pull it on out- that way you can even smell jolly!

Unless you live in a vast frozen wasteland, it's pretty hot right now. So what if it's not snowing? Or you've never had a White Christmas in your life? Make your own! You know that half-gallon of cheapo vanilla ice cream buried in the back of the freezer that no one wants to eat? I think you know what to do with it...

But you do have to eat. How about a nice turkey. No, I mean the bird, not your annoying friend. Although both are fun to roast. And for dessert, plum pudding- once you figure out what plum pudding is, of course.

Don't forget to go around leaving snarky comments on all your friends' websites! "But that has nothing to do with Christmas!", you say. Ah, but it makes you happy, and isn't that the spirit of Christmas?

It wouldn't be Christmas without annoying relatives. Make yourself one- show up at random "almost-strangers-cause-you-only-see-them-once-a-year" people's houses and announce you have arrived for the holidays. And when they try to throw you out, feebly protest, "But I have fruitcake!" Note: I am not responsible for said relatives calling you a fruitcake.

Are you ready? Ready for Christmas boot camp? What was that, soldier? Did I hear you say, "But it's only July?" I didn't think so! Now let's see, have I left anything out? "Ye...." This is not a question- and answer period! I'm telling you- get merry! Have a cup of cheer! Because hey, it's so not Christmas!