Monday, July 18, 2005



Let's Make It Christmas

Why? Because it's my blog and I said so. Just follow my simple guidelines and you'll be feeling that Yuletide spirit in no time....

First off- the music. I find that the Chipmunks work best for this purpose, but you can pick what suits your fancy- Mariah, a classic, or maybe even some Weird Al like I've got on now. The important thing is to play it really loud and when your roommates/family/neighbors/cops ask you to turn it down, say, "It's Christmas, silly!" and blast it even more.

Next, go to your local mall and get all your Christmas shopping done now- with all the sales undoubtedly going on, you can't beat the timing. Just be nice to all the lovely associates- we work hard in retail, you know.

Better yet, get some random presents for yourself. And when your loved ones ask six months from now, "Where's mine?" "Sorry, I spent it all on myself at Christmas in July."

No, you didn't waste time taping all those Christmas specials two years ago. Pull 'em out now and relive every tender moment as cows talk, wishes come true, and evil gets thwarted yet again.

So there's no one hawking gorgeous evergreens on the corner. That blasted pine tree in your front yard will do just as well. And don't forget the indoors- you know you've been dying to get out your 1,000-strong collection of little elves, each hand-carved and painted so they're all different. Come here, you cute little heirlooms, you!

And that delicious Winter Candy Apple that you bought for 75 percent off last month and squirreled away under the sink? Pull it on out- that way you can even smell jolly!

Unless you live in a vast frozen wasteland, it's pretty hot right now. So what if it's not snowing? Or you've never had a White Christmas in your life? Make your own! You know that half-gallon of cheapo vanilla ice cream buried in the back of the freezer that no one wants to eat? I think you know what to do with it...

But you do have to eat. How about a nice turkey. No, I mean the bird, not your annoying friend. Although both are fun to roast. And for dessert, plum pudding- once you figure out what plum pudding is, of course.

Don't forget to go around leaving snarky comments on all your friends' websites! "But that has nothing to do with Christmas!", you say. Ah, but it makes you happy, and isn't that the spirit of Christmas?

It wouldn't be Christmas without annoying relatives. Make yourself one- show up at random "almost-strangers-cause-you-only-see-them-once-a-year" people's houses and announce you have arrived for the holidays. And when they try to throw you out, feebly protest, "But I have fruitcake!" Note: I am not responsible for said relatives calling you a fruitcake.

Are you ready? Ready for Christmas boot camp? What was that, soldier? Did I hear you say, "But it's only July?" I didn't think so! Now let's see, have I left anything out? "Ye...." This is not a question- and answer period! I'm telling you- get merry! Have a cup of cheer! Because hey, it's so not Christmas!

24 Comments:

At 7/18/2005 01:28:00 AM, Blogger Rodman said...

I loved this post. One can be happy whenever one wants to. It just takes some effort to stand in front of people who find it hard to understand that Christmas doesn't come in January only.

 
At 7/18/2005 07:14:00 AM, Blogger Pete said...

Cool blog. You name your car and you like squirrels, you are OK in my book. Greetings from Sunny and extremely hot South Florida.

 
At 7/18/2005 08:28:00 AM, Blogger Better Safe Than Sorry said...

you know, i do love christmas and on some of my cd's that i burn, i have included the odd christmas tune, just to mix it up. i love the old stuff, sinatra, bing, rosemary clooney, they just make me feel good. i was at my in-laws yesterday and noticed she has a couple of christmas candles and bowls that she left out, so she's either really late putting stuff away, or she can't wait. i had such a good laugh as soon as i dropped in and saw your title, to me, you can't beat christmas in july. but i'm going to have to cook the turkey on the bbq, seems like the right thing to do.

 
At 7/18/2005 08:52:00 AM, Blogger Jeff H said...

Nothing under my sink would make me smell jolly.

 
At 7/18/2005 11:40:00 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

In addition it would be wise that everyone take the day off. I know I will! If only I read this last night, I could have celebrated the eve of this special day. Oh, well todays a day off and of course tomorrow will be too. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

 
At 7/18/2005 12:24:00 PM, Blogger Marla Bean said...

I have my candy canes in hand, ready to decorate the pine tree in my front yard. I am guessing that with 100 degree heat, I might be able to watch them melt off the tree, leaving a sticky pink mess under the tree. So, when my 4-year-old comes into the house screaming about the tree bleeding, I will just calmly tell him that Christmas has begun. And while he's weeping and getting snot all over me, I'll savor the flavor of season and send my cable to the Sounds of the Season.

Ahhh... Christmas in July.

 
At 7/18/2005 02:27:00 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

It's 1:30 and I'm at work! For the nerve of some people.

 
At 7/18/2005 02:52:00 PM, Blogger Jeff H said...

Darlene, Marla is giving you some competition in the "wacky posting" arena.

 
At 7/18/2005 02:58:00 PM, Blogger mrsd said...

I'll take a cup of cheer. :)

 
At 7/18/2005 02:58:00 PM, Blogger Paula said...

Wow, thanks for the reminder that it's never too early to get ready for Christmas!!! Great post!

 
At 7/18/2005 06:48:00 PM, Blogger Aleecia F. said...

YOUR A FRUIT CAKE!!!

WE actually have christmas in July at camp!!! But we dont get presents.........
Now since we moved most of our relitaves live within a 15 minute walk of us and we still see them once a year. Except aunite Darlene cause Paul sees brendon and I see madi sometimes(+they go to your school) But if its christmas wheres grandma?
p.s.your new name is fruit cake KK?

 
At 7/18/2005 06:59:00 PM, Blogger Amigo said...

I usually sing Christmas carrols all year long. But mostly to myself as I stink at singing.

What Weird Al songs are on Christmas are you listening to? The only ones I can think of are "It's Christmas At Ground Zero" or "The Night Santa Went Crazy"

 
At 7/18/2005 07:06:00 PM, Blogger Nettie said...

Christmas at Ground Zero. It's kind of nice, I haven't been able to listen to Weird Al for a while.

 
At 7/18/2005 07:31:00 PM, Blogger Kevin said...

Might as well have Christmas in July. About half the houses on my street still have their lights up.

 
At 7/18/2005 07:45:00 PM, Blogger Muley said...

Once my senior year in college my roomie and I decided to relieve our boredom by throwing a "Christmas in October" party in our apartment. We put up a tree, hung tinsel, and played Christmas music. It made everyone feel great, but it was a SUPER bummer to take all of that down and realize we still had more than two months to go until the real thing.

Speaking of the Chipmunks, do you know those weren't really rodents singing and talking on that record? It was a guy speeding up his voice real fast. Just thought I'd let you in on that little-known secret.

 
At 7/18/2005 10:59:00 PM, Blogger Better Safe Than Sorry said...

merry christmas nettie!

 
At 7/18/2005 11:07:00 PM, Blogger Nettie said...

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

 
At 7/19/2005 12:04:00 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

Ooooh Marvelous Marla, good comment!

 
At 7/19/2005 01:04:00 AM, Blogger Christopher Trottier said...

Victoria Day in July would sure be sweet.

 
At 7/19/2005 01:35:00 AM, Anonymous Stacy said...

I think I'll go shopping at B&BW, I usually do. You liked the flickr badge I added I guess. Their great.

 
At 7/19/2005 03:32:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ho ho ho!

That is so sweet. It's always Christmas in our hearts.

Oh, I never made it to B&BW...got a flat tire.

Alice

 
At 7/19/2005 08:53:00 AM, Blogger Jeff H said...

Hey, Chris: we'll keep "Victoria's Day" a secret, OK?

 
At 7/19/2005 02:59:00 PM, Blogger Lucy Stern said...

Nettie, Merry Christmas. I shop all year long for Christmas, but it is too early for me to want to think about it right now. I'm busy with puppies and a grand baby coming in 6 days. My oldest daughter loves Christmas music and could probably listen to it all year long if she wanted to. Just think how busy your Bath and Body works store would be right now if it was two weeks before Christmas.

 
At 7/19/2005 08:36:00 PM, Blogger Poi said...

Thanks to you, its christmas all year for me now!

Cheers!

 

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