Saturday, December 31, 2005

me, from A-Z

Stolen from my friend Spunkie

[ A is for age:] 20.
[B is for booze of choice] I don't drink. I'm weird enough sober.
[C is for career] Good question...
[D is for your dog's name:] Neal.
[E is for essential items you use everyday:] Computer, car, and now Ipod.
[F is for favourite song at the moment:] Fix You, by Coldplay.
[G is for favourite games:] Um, checkers but I always lose, Twenty Questions cause I don't.
[H is for hometown:] Somewhere in South Carolina.
[I is for instruments you play:] I sing!
[j is for jam or jelly you like] Strawberry.
[K is for kids?:] No, but I want them.
[L is for last kiss?:] My, that's personal.
[M is for most admired trait:] I like being funny.
[N is for name of your crush:] I dunno. I think Munch on SVU is funny, but Stabler's better-looking.
[O is for overnight hospital stays:] Well, not overnight.
[P is for phobias:] Roaches. Ewwwyuck.
[Q is for quotes you like:] "He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!" Monty Python's "Dead Parrot" Sketch.
[R is for biggest regret:] Not being more adventurous.
[S is for sweets of your choice:] York Peppermint Patties, Jelly Bellies.
[T is for time you wake up:] Noon, preferably.
[U is for underwear:] Jockey.
[V is for vegetable you love:] Broccoli- raw, with Ranch.
[W is for worst habit:] Biting my nails.
[X is for x-rays you've had:] Please, how depressing a list would that be?
[Y is for yummy food you make:] Brownies from a box. But I did cheesecake swirl!
[Z is for zodiac sign:] Aries.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Humiliation for the Future

Entitled, "Austin's First Dog Food."

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Finding the True Spirit

Just when I'm getting reeeeeeeeeeally fed up with the customers, I answer one's question. She then goes, "Are you having a good evening?" and I answer with sincerity, "Yes ma'am, and thank you for asking." Cause I do get excited when they ask me instead. But then, "Thank you for your service." All I can be is, "Awwwwwwwwww!"

One of the things I hate about the holidays is that I can rarely eat the treats everyone brings, because I may not be sure how they were prepared or the ingredients aren't listed. But I have one coworker who has several times brought in cookies that she made and told me exactly what was in them so I'd know they were safe. That just means so much, since I hate getting sick too.

The look on the face of my favorite little boy when I played my snowman-snowdog set that barks Jingle Bells for him. He was just entranced. He may not know what this Christmas is, but he knows he's loved.

"Are you seriously wearing a ribbon for a belt?" "I'm getting a new one for Christmas, okay?" All right, so maybe that isn't exactly finding the spirit....

"Look, Lauren. It's Santa." "Santa Claus is in our store?" "Santa is in our midst. Look, Melissa- Santa!"

My good friend who just got engaged. He proposed to her on Christmas Eve morning. I mean, how romantic is that?

Christmas invariably comes with some headaches for me. But there's so much more- the camaraderie, the making others happy, Christmas hugs- you can't help but feel the magic. So even though all I really want are clean clothes and some sleep, I'm almost sorry to see it end. Merry Christmas, y'all.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

JoJo Does A Survey

Borrowed from Alice. Except he deleted the questions he didn't like.

1. First name? JoJo. The Disgruntled Elf.
2. Were you named after anyone? No.
3. Favorite past time? Running through malls with my machine gun.
4. Do you have a close friend? Prancer. He ran off with me and changed his name to Kir.
5. Do you use sarcasm a lot? No I do not, Captain Obvious.
7. Would you bungee jump? Doy!
8. What is your favorite cereal? Chocolate Lucky Charms. Cereal of world rulers everywhere.
9. Do you think that you are strong? I could beat you up anyday, loser!
10. Shoe Size? Is that an insult?
11. Red or Pink? Red.
12. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I am perfect.
13. Who do you miss most? I don't miss Santa. Who told you that?
14. Last thing you ate? York Peppermint Patties.
15. What are you listening to right now? Screams of Pain and Torture.
16. Favorite Smells? Chipmunks roasting...
17. Last person you talked to on the phone? Kir.
18. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Ears.
19. Favorite drink? Cocoa.
20. Favorite Sport? Reindeer racing.
21. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? Scary.
22. Last Movie You Watched? Machine Gunning Made Easy.
23. Favorite Day Of The Year? The day after Christmas when all the kiddies cry cause they got coal and not presents.
24. Summer or winter? Winter, stupid.
25. Hugs or Kisses? I hate that mushy stuff.
26. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Duh, a mouse.
27. Favorite Sounds? Screams slightly muffled by the sound of guns firing.
28. Do you have a special talent? I have good aim.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Random Retail Ramblings

'Less than one week left of the holidays, girls!' 'But then we have sale.' 'Shut up, Nettie!' 'Shut up, Nettie!'

'You need to stop that, Nettie. You're freaking me out.'

'And if you turn the page, you'll see the safety information, how to use boxcutters...' Snort. 'Yeah, don't do like Nettie, she cut towards herself and got stitches. And use the ladder, don't climb on the shelves like you'll see us do.' 'Basically don't do anything we do.' 'Do as we say, not as we do!'

'I shouldn't make fun of you for having to go on the register. It isn't nice.' 'You had to go out there too, didn't you?' 'Yup.' 'That's karma.' 'Like when you cut people off and then the tow truck tries to kill you?' 'Exactly!'

'People are stupid. 'Why don't you have this?' Dude, you're shopping three days before Christmas!'

Monday, December 19, 2005

In the Spirit Now

After all, what more do I need?

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Today I

Burned I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas on a CD "to play with and enjoy". Yes, I am easily amused.

Said a few choice words when the tow truck decided he was bigger than me, so he could push me around. That's not why God invented turn lanes.

Perhaps I should quit yelling, "You have the right of way, Grandma!" before it comes back to bite me.

Stopped at the pet store's adopt-a-thon and played with a very hairy puppy.

Got gas just before the price went up. Nice timing on the whining, Harvey.

Finished my Christmas shopping. Yes, finished. Opted not to count how many stores I went to since I decided to be creative and not buy everything from work.

Even managed to listen to myself at - "No Nettie, you do NOT need that first season collection of Law and Order: SVU even though it's used and only 25 bucks."

Counted my blessings that I work in a small retail store where they can't humiliate me over the intercom.

Am thankful for my job today, period. I have met some of the freaking best, most caring people there.

Decided not to take happy days for granted. After all, I can create them.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Dear Self,

Yes, a pharmaceutical concoction of OTC painkillers, several antihistamines, and prescriptions may get rid of your migraine. In fact, you may not be feeling any pain at all despite your coworkers' repeatedly whacking you on the head. But please bear in mind the rather strange state of mind it may put you into. For instance, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again" may come out instead as "If at first you don't fricasee, fry, fry a hen." While this probably won't bother the people used to you, this is not a place you want to be when the district manager decides that "I'll be visiting you guys tomorrow, but I thought I'd pop in tonight and see how things were going." Yipes.

Of course, you knew exactly who she was as soon as she walked into your back room, by the way she moved and carried herself. She was in charge. It wasn't the nicest thing to do to Leigh, but at least when you were hiding in the antibac, you weren't saying anything stupid. After all, it wasn't until after she left that the chaos really began. "She comes and makes us all paranoid."

It's a good thing you don't know who piled the bloody wallflowers all over the floor, so you can't carry out your death threats against them. Also a good thing you don't wear a watch anymore. You didn't want to know what time it was when you had to drag the cardboard out there again in the cold rain. But you stick with it, you laugh at the thought of "leaving at 11:30 like we were scheduled." No, you clean that place up, fix the wrath of coworkers and employees alike. Because as little as you all care about anything by the end of the night, and as much as you laugh at Jen when she says it- "It's more than a job, it's a way of life."

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

SIAD Part Two

I had a really good day today. Logically, it shouldn't have been, given that we were at work until after one cleaning up after the customers. Early this morning, definitely in "Why on earth am I awake???" mode. But that's okay. Because I let something out to someone that maybe I should've a long time ago. But after I did- well, I realized a few key things. And among them was that it was a great day. A happy day.

This concludes the mushy-gooey-hippie section of today's post. Now on to the answers I know you're all dying to hear.

1. My ears turn red when I get sick. Oddly enough, this is true. I've never heard of it in anyone else, but I think it's rather cool.

2. I sleep with a stuffed bear. Totally false. It's a rabbit. Named Max.

3. I have an imaginary friend named JoJo the Disgruntled Elf. He likes to run around shopping malls with a machine gun. Oh, JoJo is definitely real. He's very, um, therapeutic too.

4. I memorized the Monty Python Dead Parrot Sketch. Nope. Not verbatim.

5. There are two light switches in my bathroom- both to the same light. But I have to have the light switch on my side be right- up or down when the light's on or off, respectively. Like Joe said, this one's too weird not to be true.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Since I Always Do

Another meme- but this one fits well with another concept I'd been thinking of. It's from Janie, and it's supposed to be five things you don't know about me. Except I'm going to make it where some of it is true, some false. And then you can figure out which one is which! Woohoo!

1. My ears turn red when I get sick.

2. I sleep with a stuffed bear.

3. I have an imaginary friend named JoJo the Disgruntled Elf. He likes to run around shopping malls with a machine gun.

4. I memorized the Monty Python Dead Parrot Sketch.

5. There are two light switches in my bathroom- both to the same light. But I have to have the light switch on my side be right- up or down when the light's on or off, respectively.

Friday, December 09, 2005

First Fifteen

Courtesy the Career Guy- Windows Media favorites mix, put on shuffle, first fifteen songs that come up:

1. As I Lay Me Down, Sophie B. Hawkins.
2. Kiss the Rain, Billie Myers.
3. Upendi, from the Lion King II soundtrack.
4. Place in This World, Michael W. Smith
5. Talking Stones, Say-So.
6. That's What Love Is For, Amy Grant.
7. Get a Clue, Simon and Milo.
8. Let's Give Them Something to Talk About, Bonnie Raitt.
9. Letters from War, Mark Schultz.
10. Some of Us, Starsailor.
11. Nobody Home, Avril Lavigne.
12. Cabin Fever. Muppet Treasure Island, all right?
13. Sleigh Ride, Billy Gilman and Charlotte Church.
14. I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow, from the O Brother, Where Art Thou? soundtrack.
15. Held, Natalie Grant.

All in all, a pretty good cross section. And I didn't even edit. Much.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Random Thursday Picture Blog

Anyone want a go at analyzing my handwriting?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

To Remember A Man

An icon of South Carolina Republicanism, former Governor Carroll Campbell, died this morning. My fellow SC blogger Laurin has a good roundup for those of us familiar with his legacy.

Considering the majority of my readership is out of state, however, a bit of explanation. Governor Campbell was before my time, but I grew up hearing of his leadership during Hurricane Hugo. As I grew older, I learned of his efforts to bring profits and jobs to South Carolina- among others, BMW and drug plants. And I can honestly say that no governor since has lived up to his example.

Most recently, I have been working on his son Mike's lieutenant governor campaign. I grew to appreciate Governor Campbell through his children, as Mike is a genuinely nice man, and the most involved politician I have ever worked with. Governor Campbell was struck by early-onset Alzheimer's in 2001, yet all of his family has continued making South Carolina a better place. I will try to update this, at least with links, as I find out more. But for now- remember Carroll Campbell. And if you never knew of him, now's an excellent time to start.

Update, 8:00 P.M. It was confirmed earlier that the Governor succumbed to a heart attack, in his sleep, although unexpected. Also, thanks to Mark for the linkage.

Monday, December 05, 2005

More Two Second News Reactions

Study Links Bake Sales, Weight Problems: Well, thank you, Captain Obvious!

Tree Decorated with Lotto Tickets Removed: No comment on whether a lottery is good or bad, but if you have one, why should you have a problem with using tickets that way? Seems like you're ashamed of your own institutions.

Professor Loses Weight With Eat-As-You-Feel Diet: Finally, they recognized my genius.

What to Do When Anaphylaxis Strikes: Ooh, I know! I know!

Seniors Seeking Medicare Info Get Sex Line: And you thought the Medicare issue was confusing already.

Man Decks House With Synchronized Lights: I may be a Scrooge, but that's pretty cool.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Stuff of My Life

Note to self: Do not watch Miami Animal Police. Especially at 1 A.M. It will make you cry,

I've begun using the word bloody for everything. As in, "I'm bloody sick of bloody Christmas." Perhaps too much Monty Python.

"Get in that back room!" "But it's boring back there!"

"Do we have any Winter Candy Apple shower gel?" "I'll double check but I don't think so. Of course that would mean they actually sent us stuff we need, cause we need 10 boxes of Sweet Pea shower gel."

"You cursed me, now I have to come back here to help you." "It's too cold, I'm going back out to the floor until he's finished unloading." Yeah, right, lightweight.

Hash browns. Wonderful, glorious, crunchy, hot, salty hash browns. "Nothing like grease and fat to settle your stomach!"

"Have you seen this?" "What's this? Oh. DBR." "Maybe it's just me, but I like to be able to walk in my aisles- just a little thing I have!"

Friday, December 02, 2005

You've Been in PT Too Long When

The other therapists know your name and that the pink leopard bag is yours.

They bug you for coupons from your job, too.

There's a certain side of the garage that you just have to park on.

You don't bother wearing makeup there.

"What are you here for?" "Well, first I had surgery on this one, and then I had surgery on that one, and they're trying to avoid more surgery on this one..." "Oh. I'm sorry..."

Ice bowling!

Equating exercises with real life- "Yeah, it'll be good to increase the weight, cause the boy keeps getting bigger!"

They've heard you blather on and on about your nephew. But wait, everybody has.