Look I'm Psychic!

Yes, dear ones, I shall now predict at the hour of twelve-thirty (if you've changed your clocks) what I will be thinking and feeling six hours from now! It's a post into the future! Watch in awe.

I am doing this for the boy. The boy who is only six months old and is not going to remember, much less care, who came to his baptism. But we are loving and doting aunts so we go for him. And because the family would kill us if we didn't.

It's only six in the morning. I should be in bed sleeping. Or at least pretending. And it's cold. I must be getting old because I can't stand the cold. Or perhaps when you make me get out of my bed at this hour I just get a little cranky.

And whose brilliant idea was it for us to leave today instead of yesterday? Something about how Janna and I had to work. Like driving for four hours isn't work. She better drive. I'm already asleep.

Hope everyone remembered to change their clocks. It always messes with my head and I will probably be flooring it down 85 an hour off. Happy Halloween and all that too. I myself will be going as a Bath and Body Works employee.

I love this child. I sped through the highways of Georgia once already to meet him. But I never figured when he was born ten days after my birthday that I would again at thirty degrees and six thirty in the morning. But I must take pictures. Witness this glorious event in his young life. He will probably cry. As I'm sitting there wondering if I should too.

Marc Came Home

One of the stories you hardly ever hear, the one with a happy ending. The story of a family, ordinary, but whose members have touched so many lives. Mine, and now yours, too.

Marc and Karen and Cameron. He works on a base, but is an officer in the National Guard. The not entirely unexpected happened a year ago and he was sent to Iraq, to fight for his country. A year of being away from his wife, his son, his home. But communication is constant, emails, calls, and prayers.

Life goes on for them all. Karen as a physical therapist, working to make lives and limbs better. Cameron, a child growing from two to three. And Marc, inspiring his men in a sandy place far away. All of them and those they touch, waiting for the day.

The moment when he comes home. Cam hears of it and cannot contain his excitement. The adults, more measured, living through the bureaucracy and the waiting as the days grow shorter. But at last it comes, life may not be the same, but they are together again. The future holds no limits as they return to normalcy, the American Dream. To what, at the end, matters most.

Welcome home, Marc.

The Intrepid Observer At Wal-Mart

Hey, what's hanging from that woman's cart? Oh. It's oxygen. Well, now I feel bad. I should get out of her way.

Except I can't get out of her way that way cause there's a post there. And now I've scared the poor woman.

Oh, look, it's the Point of Grace Christmas CD I've wanted. Wait-no- not the Christmas spirit!

T-O-Y-L-A-N-D. It's not time for toys. It's Halloween, therefore it's time for candy. Where's the candy?

Wow, you must be really unself-conscious if you can wear a ponytail while balding. Ewwwww.

Come on, Harvey, I cleaned you out yesterday, now don't hide from me.

What's with the cones in the parking lot? I don't remember any cones.

Ooooops, there's a trash can.

Erm, perhaps Not-So-Intrepid-Observer is more accurate?

I'm Taking Over

Hey, the kid gets a blog. She even lets the imaginary dog take a whack at it. But what about me? I know you all love me. You want to hear form me. So to heck with her. I'm taking over.

And who am I? I'm the one who hauls her sorry self all over town. The one who holds her secrets. (That one she says about not eating so much fast food? Ask me how many McDonald's bags I carry in an average week.) I'm the one who has to put up with her and her friends and all her junk that she could live for a month off of. You know it-I'm Harvey.

And I do a lot for her. I push myself to the limits when she begs, "Please, Harvey, just get Mommy to work on time and I promise I'll get you gas after and I wo'n sreent do this to you naymore." Riiiiiight. And Mommy? What's up with that? She's three years older than I am. And those McDonald's bags aren't the only things in there. She's got, what, three changes of clothes, umbrellas, Homer Simpson, sunscreen, ice picks, flashlights, gas receipts, bag lunches, Cokes. What's she gonna do, go out in the woods and play survival? Don't even ask me when the last time I had a wash was. I can't remember.

And yet...I love her. I stand out for her, proclaim her Republicanism. Everybody knows who I am and that makes her happy. And I protect her- when there's strange people in me, I try to scare them off the best way I know how. We're alike, you know-neither one of us is what you'd expect us to be. We both have our little meltdown moments, but you aren't going to find a more loyal friend. I know she loves me, too. She wouldn't drive anyone else even if she could. So we'll keep on defying the odds together, for as long as we're both running.

Day in the Life

8:30 A.M. Oh, look, it’s the Hair Club! Yeah, whatever.
11:00 Why on earth did I set the alarm for 11?
11:37 Okay, it’s late enough to call work.
11:40 And Christy is being waaaaaay too perky. But at least I don’t have to go in.
11:42 All right, I’ll be good and get my flu shot. But I’m doing it in my pajamas.
11:46 Too cold for pajamas so I throw some Auburn pants on.
12:00 P.M. "Are you high risk?" Yes ma’am. So I don't look like the fifty-years-older crowd.
12:05 Listening to people talk of their ailments and call their husbands Dad...
12:15 "Don’t move, you’re bleeding." Apparently this makes me interesting.
12:20 It’s that time again- time to play Where’s Nettie’s Car?
12:35 Stupid Windows Media Player. Now I have to restart.
12:50 And now that I have the Internet’s gone out. So not in the mood to fix it.
1:35 Dang, my belt got broken. Suppose I shouldn’t throw it.
1:48 Internet back up.
3:00 Lunch. Cream of Wheat. Don't think I bothered with breakfast.
3:32 Finish kuru book.
4:02 "Your browser's cookie functionality is disabled." No. It. Isn't!
4:54 Impulse to do my German Freudian impression: "Ve vill hoff to shink your head. Und how does zat mack you feel?"
5:39 Clip of Pooh going on murderous rampage shouldn't make me cry with laughter.
6:15 Hurricane Wilma Punishes Mexico Coastline. Bad Mexico coastline, bad!
7:00 Where's my SVU?
7:57 Stupid Criminal Intent.
8:00 Ahh, Law and Order:SVU. Good USA.
8:30 Discussion of marriage and family with online friend that morphs into cloning, to capitalism, that morphs into...something.
9:00 More SVU. Sensing a pattern?
9:07 Eh, I've seen this one twice already. Which isn't an automatic disqualification except I remember how it ends.
10:02 There have to be some I haven't seen.
10:07 Yet I still gasp when the rogue cop lunges.
11:11 Stupid spambots. Why would I want a year of Lean Cuisines?
12:00 A.M. Technically a new day, but I don't measure time like normal people.
12:34 What bit me?
1:02 Nice bruise under that Band-Aid.
1:40 The Net: Bringing Similarly Strange Minds Together.
2:20 Burn a CD of stupid Christmas songs to amuse my friends.
2:45 Drag myself into the shower. After which I have the self-discipline to stay away from the computer and go to bed.

I Do A Great Monkey Impression

You Are A: Monkey!

Monkeys are intelligent and agile, well-adapted for jungle life as they swing happily from tree to tree. As a monkey, you are a social animal who is quick to learn new things, loves to climb and is known to show off. A monkey's tiny primate features are irresistible, as is her gregarious personality!

You were almost a: Squirrel or a Kitten
You are least like a: Turtle or a PonyDiscover What Cute Animal You Are!

One Big Kid

No, not me, my nephew. The most adorable child in the world who loves his toes. (And his blog. Heh heh.) But he's not even six months and he's already eighteen pounds. When my PT taught me how to carry that weight around safely- well, boxes don't move. It's "Okay, Austin, let Auntie Nettie put her knee braces on and we'll go up and down the driveway. Again."

He really is smart, though. I was visiting him at Melissa's in-laws, they were all going to a wedding. His grandparents took him about five Friday, but Melissa left a few hours before for the rehearsal. It wasn't two minutes after she did and he was bawling. Separation anxiety isn't supposed to happen until nine months, but what can I say? Just that I would do anything for him.

BBW Vocab

I love my job and it amuses me. Hence, a guide so it can amuse the normal world too.

BBW: Bath and Body Works. I'm not sure what most people are searching for when they Google this, but you won't find it here.

Flagship: The more extensive type of BBW stores; ours is the only one in South Carolina. This means we carry lots of third-party (i.e. clinical and expensive) brands- Molton Brown, Wexler, Awake, Biotherm, etc.

Core- This is mostly what you find; they carry the traditional products, but also ones the company owns, like C.O. Bigelow and Le Couvant. Although lacking in variety, they have the advantage of smaller stores and thus less floor space to mop.

Rooms: Divide the store; we have four and then the registers; for example, clinical is in room two and the popular products are in room four. We have the second largest space in the company; most have two or three.

Limited Brands: Our umbrella company, also encompasses The Limited, Express, Structure, Victoria's Secret, and White Barn Candle.

Ken Montero: The VP of Bath and Body Works itself. He led the team that came to reward us in February for being second in the country in holiday sales, behind only the Cleveland home store. The crew therefore considers him a close, personal friend and screams "Yeah, Ken!" whenever his name is mentioned or we see him in a training video.

CSL: Kind of a part-time manager, we have one of these and three regular managers. What I love about my store is that the leaders aren't afraid to get down on the floor and clean if they have to. Usually cause they broke something.

Floorset: When we put out new products on the sales floor and move around the others. Just finished our third holiday one and I think we've all had enough.

DBR: Stands for the fancy Daily Beauty Rituals- in other words, your basic body creams, shower gels, bubble baths in traditional flavors- sweet pea, moonlight path, and so on.

Antibac: The antibacterial soaps that are the bane of associates' existence. They're always a mess but when they go to two bucks- people go insane and you could spend hours making them look pretty again.

Wallflowers: Like Glade Plug-ins, only nicer and refillable. You put 'em in an outlet and they're supposed to last a couple months. Unless you live in the South, in which case they go faster from the humid heat. Bringing the crazies out in even bigger droves when they're half off.

On-call: When you have to call an hour or two before the shift to see if you have to work or not, and it's usually the opposite of whichever one you want.

If that doesn't make sense- well, you're just gonna be SOL for the rest of the holiday season, aren't you?

Remember Me?

I've decided to let Neal field this one. Enjoy kiddies!

Three names I go by: Neal. Puppy. Dead Meat.
Three screen names I have had: It's Neal, just Neal.
Three physical things I like about myself: I have cute floppy ears, am an unusually bright red. And I have a long tail that wags.
Three physical things I don't like about myself: I am small and people tend to step on me. I can't bend my head enough to catch biscuits dropped below me. I wanna be a big bad dog.
Three parts of my heritage: Ummm, Chihuaha, terrier, and a little bit of wolf. Everybody's got that, don't they?
Three things that scare me: Clowns, rabies, cats.
Three of my everyday essentials: A big human's bed, my gold leash, and The Wizard of Oz.
Three of my favorite musical artists: The Pound Puppies. Judy Garland. Bow Wow.
Three of my favorite songs: The Pound Puppies singing Jingle Bells. Who Let the Dogs Out? Eat It.
Three lies and truths in no particular order: I exist only inside a computer. But I'm scheming to get out. My creator is nuts. And sanity is highly overrated. I dream of being purple. Love pizza.
Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me: I don't really do that, if you get my drift.
Three of my favorite hobbies: Licking myself. Plotting. Running in the grass.
Three things I want to do really badly now: Get revenge on a certain someone. Eat something new for a change. And revenge...
Three careers I'm considering/I've considered: Guard dog- I'm little but I'm tough. Or I could go into show biz. Unless somebody nice wants to just adopt me and spoil me.
Three places I want to go on vacation: That big paradise for canines I've heard so much about. Canada. Or Miami, is it nice there?
Three kid's names I like: Ranger, Martha, Ireland.
Three things I want to do before I die: Figure out the right way to count doggie years. Learn to be at peace. And invent a dog bone whose flavor will shock the world.
Three ways that I am stereotypically a boy: Use your imagination on this.
Three ways that I am stereotypically a girl: I'm a wimp. Not that girls are wimpy, but I'm suppsoed to be rough and tough, and I'm just...not. I like cuddles and good food.
Three celeb crushes: Beth the arcane Muppet Dog, that nice Nigerian lady who keeps emailing me (although I don't think I can help her), and Dory.
Three Tags: There are so many...I can't choose...

20 Things- About Me, Naturally

Cori specifically invited me to do this meme- not that I need an excuse, anyway.

1. I love music and getting new songs makes me really happy. I'm somewhat picky about what I like but I don't apologize for it.
2. Despite the lack of it here, I love snow and dream of a white Christmas.
3. I really have no coordination and the list of things my managers have forbidden me to touch is growing.
4. I consider myself to have fairly decent computer skills, the ones I've taught myself anyway.
5. Silence drives me crazy but sometimes I think I could use a little more of it.
6. When I'm stressed I like to drive around aimlessly for a time and see where I end up. I think it comes of getting lost so much.
7. My food cravings aren't usually for sugar but rather fruit or protein. Obviously I don't eat enough of either.
8. Sometimes I'm convinced I really am getting old. I never used to get sick on rides (all right, everywhere else).
9. Maturation has brought me closer to my sisters. Janna is three years older and we always fought; our shared strange sense of humor binds us now. And Melissa, thirty- I have never seen her look so beautiful as when her son was born.
10. People tell me I can do anything I want to. I just wish I knew what that was.
11. I don't care anymore if I'm always talking about my job, cause it has brought me so much I never would have thought of.
12. Going to Europe was an unforgettable experience, and I'd love the chance to just wander all over it- Italy, Germany, Austria, the Ukraine, Poland, Ireland- and see what tourists usually don't.
13. I'll never be anything more than an amateur photographer but I enjoy trying to capture things.
14. Despite my firm belief in justice and people getting what's coming to them in this world and the next, I'm anti-death penalty.
15. If you earn my loyalty, there's little I won't do for you. But if you break it...
16. Law and Order: Special Victims Unit rocks my world, but I don't like Criminal Intent and only tolerate the original.
17. Harvey's name just came to me and I really don't know why. But everyone knows who he is and that makes him happy.
18. My eighteenth year was the best of my life.
19. Random things make me laugh, usually my own thoughts going in directions I can't explain.
20. I will never give up blogging cause I love this audience too much. And it has inspired me to new heights of creativity (interpret that as you will).

Why Sleep, Life Is More Fun

*originally Austin Has A Blog*


Heeeeeere's Austin!


I can roll over both ways now, and scoot backwards on my back. Just as long as I don't hit my head on the coffee table.


Auntie Nettie likes this picture cause it doesn't make her face look fat. Or something like that.

The Bear

Sits sideways on a table, edge of the first room, going into the second. The mall is in front of him, with its jeans and jewelry and jaded shoppers looking to spend a buck. And behind him, an enormous, hideous, pink plastic tree, filled with goodies to tempt the utmost of Scrooges. Below, furry purses that match his own skin. Large and in charge, he is on sentry duty, a fate destined for the next three months by the the one-hundred-fifty price tag dangling in the back. Customers and associates come and go, but he stays, watching.

And then, a change. Slowly his upper body begins to slide towards his lower. They meet. Quickly, he is jerked upwards, but the slide resumes. And then, he lands on the floor, all limbs akimbo. Waiting to be rescued from his belly-up position. As he is. But success does not come to the bear. Again he is no longer sitting; instead his head is located somewhere between his knees. Perhaps he is feeling sick. Or defeated from his seemingly simple mission- to sit in his designated station in the store and protect it from all things mythical and real. He exists to do this job, yet he cannot. Still he remains, hoping, until the moment-

"Nettie, didn't I tell you to quit touching stuff already?!"

Bored at the Fair

My third time here already and it's getting old. But I found the cable place and they have the 'Net. Heh heh. I should be over at the Republican booth but there's too many people there already and they took all the chairs. I'll go back eventually. In the meantime, a summary:

Sights: It's Senior Citizen Day. Although my campaign manager denies it, our primary opponent Andre has cuter stickers. The Dems have this hilarious fan-mask thing of our State Treasurer- that's why you go into politics, to get your face on a fan. I saw an old high school friend of mine at the Stand Up for Life place. They just turned Casper on where I am now.

Sounds: J.K. said he was going to end up in an argument with someone. I told him he should, I was bored of listening to the stupid dancing cats singing about 911 in the community cop booth across. And Deputy Bill, the puppet who comes on Saturday mornings- oh, joy. There's some church band a few down, mostly tambourines. And a random merchant dude who keeps yelling, "Candy!"

Smells: We're situated next to this salsa maker guy who keeps chopping onions. I haven't been to see the animals yet- all those bunnies and cows and horses in one building. J.K. said he didn't want to smell like the fanimals.

Tastes: I ate two hours ago and I'm already hungry again. I can't remember the last time I had a corn dog. I had an elephant ear the other day with Janna and oh, the fried buttery sugary goodness. And the candy apples- who cares if I get 'em all over my face? They have blue raspberry.

Feelings: Was about to fall asleep if I sat there any longer. Same with the log cabin lady I'm currently next to, who has a laptop. I want one. But I amused the cable guy who came and read over my shoulder, he said to come buy cake. And I have decided men are lucky, there's never lines to their restrooms. My knees hurt cause I'm standing here but at least I'm not bored anymore.

They're Killing The Cartoons

Unicef is killing the Smurfs. Apparently it's to make a point about the state of the world. I'm not sure how spreading blue cheer with cute little voices deserves a massacre. But the bombs rain down on that village. It's not just the Smurfs, or even the SpongeBob controversy. Cartoons ain't what they used to be.

Take Captain Planet. It had a message- granted, a slightly liberal one- but overall harmless put-the-polluters in jail. Or Animaniacs, which made no sense but stuck in your head- "What are we gonna do tonight, Brain?" "Same thing we do every night, Pinky- try to take over the world!" David the Gnome, who went around saving little forest creatures. Even Scooby-Doo, with its predictable plots and "If it weren't for you meddling kids!" Anything was better than this.

Shows about flies. I mean, who wants to watch a show about flies? Or better yet, cockroaches! Sure, they're the ones you want to come and save the world. Apparently Winnie the Pooh isn't good enough for Disney anymore, they only put him on at 5:30 in the morning. And none of the old stuff is on Cartoon Network- no Cow and Chicken, Dexter's Lab, even Powerpuff Girls. I just want to know what all these poor innocent creations did to get bounced by the Mega-Disney and get replaced by insects. At least they aren't bombing the Hundred Acre Wood.

I Really Never Do That

An amusing and humiliating anecdote to make you, well, laugh at me:

Janna and I at the fair. I don't consider myself chicken, but I don't like to go upside down. So I let her talk me into "it doesn't go upside down, just around and sideways"- the Afterburner. Appropriately enough. It was just like the old G Force, which I hated and forgot every year that I hated. I wasn't very stable when I got off of that, as I had my eyes closed the whole time. And then, the final mistake: the Tornado.

I used to like this ride. It's open to the air, four people to a thing shaped like an X. And a wheel so you can make it do extra spins. "All right boys, let's get it spinning!" "OK, Janna-" "Come on, Nettie!" "No, really, Janna, stop spinning it." "You'll be fine!" And indeed the ride was slowing. But not soon enough.

Give me credit, I'm still spinning but managed to aim. All three times I hit the ground and not myself, my sister, or those poor little boys. Of course, she thought it was hilarious. The rest of the night, even on the Ferris wheels- "No, she's afraid she'll throw up again." "Janna, stop scaring the nice people!" I think I need to listen more to my stomach and less to my sister.

Holiday Floorset Highlights

Nettie isn't allowed to touch the balls. You told me to straighten them. -Yeah, but now we have to fix the two that Nettie knocked down. I'm not touching the balls, okay? I'm not touching the balls!

I do not have the patience to teach the new people.

Here Nettie, a present for you. What is it? Packaging! It looks like space alien stuff. It probably is, you're probably allergic to it. As you throw it at me! I get it, Harmony. I get it.

Hey Lauren, what's her name? Who, me? Yeah, sorry, I don't usually go "Hey, you" at people.Yeah she does, don't listen to her, Candice! Thank you for your input. That's what managers are for!

This is probably the toughest Christmas floorset. -And we don't have everything, so you have to improvise. Shocking, right?

I hated this CD last year, and I hate it this year.

Christmas time is here again! Noooooooo....

Random Saturday Picture Blog

I finally bothered to upload the rest of my Charleston trip pics, and I found this.



















Well, I thought it was funny.

I Need Some New Habits

I suffer from the inability to sit still. I can't seem to think straight unless I'm in motion. Some part of me always has to be moving. I try to be inconspicuous, but it seems to lead to some...peculiarities.

I play with my hair, for one. I can't come up with a reason why this is really bad, except that I look stupid. WhenI had a ponytail it wasn't so bad, but now that I actually do something with my hair I don't need to mess it up. So I'm trying to stop. It's not really working.

Okay, I need something else to do with my hands. So I put a bottle of water in 'em. Good idea in theory, but not when I unthinkingly chug three 32-ouncers in as many hours. Next.

Maybe I just need to look at it a different way. All the fidgeting burns calories, right? I have to work off all those Oreos somehow. Yeah, that's it. That's why I can't sit in a chair without bouncing up and down, why I have to run around after I've been sitting for more than an hour. I'm not nuts. It's all part of the master plan...

Questions I'm Too Lazy to Google

I think I remember hearing that Kerry got Secret Service protection during his failed run. Is that standard for all presidential candidates? And if so, when does it end? As soon as they declare defeat- "Sorry, you ain't the Prez and we don't care."

Read-along DVDs. Didn't parents actually read to their kids once upon a time, instead of plopping them in front of the TV and pretending?

If someone's running in the dark with black clothes on, what's the point of having a reflective stripe across his chest? By the time you see that, you could've hit the rest of his body already.

How far around the world do you have to go before you're behind in time again instead of them being ahead of you?

Does the extra filling in the Double Stuf Oreos really clog your arteries that much faster?

And when that you're done pondering all that, make sure you go to Becca's and wish my girl a happy birthday. (But no clowns. She doesn't like them).

You heard me say
I can’t
but I did.
What you’ve seen,
what you know,
no one else does.
I thought I
would be alone,
and afraid-
here you were
by my side.
I am strong,
but not alone.
Not without you.
And therein lies
my faith.

Talking Back

"Microsoft Internet Explorer has encountered a problem and needs to close. We are sorry for the inconvenience. " No you aren't. Who's this we, anyway? A group of bored Microsoft engineers who watches the oh-so-important stuff I do and decides every once in a while to mess with my head and send me fake apologies for it?

"What do women really want? How about their favorite movies with their favorite stars? 24/7 on the Lifetime Movie Network." I'm not even a typical woman, and I can tell you that what women really want is not to sit around watching depressing movies about women who get rare diseases and die beautiful deaths with all their formerly fighting in-laws gathered around them sobbing.

"Spell Checker- No Errors Found." What's this? No errors? I must not be doing my job then. I wrote two whole paragraphs that you actually liked. But why do you have to be gray when you announce this? Shouldn't you be happy that I spelled things right, or are you mad cause there's nothing to fix?

"Return of the Black Death!" I had a sixth grade English teacher who was really into medieval stuff. She also said that I would argue with a lamppost. I made a victim out of paint and Model Magic, male in the interests of accuracy with decency. The buboes erupted primarily on the chest and armpits- although he didn't really have any. Poor old John. The Black Death got him in his underpants.

Entertaining the Masses

"It starts when we’re kids, a show-off at school. Makin’ faces at friends, you’re a clown and a fool. Doing pratfalls and birdcalls and bad imitations; ignoring your homework, there’s that dedication. Working the mirror, you’re getting standing ovations...."
The earliest vivid memory I have of that is the first impression I ever did, of my fourth-grade social studies teacher Mrs. Walden. You know the type- soft-spoken Southern woman who lives in a book and has no life. Oops, that could almost be me. Moving on. I learned to mimic her voice perfectly and made all the kids laugh. Heck, I still laugh whenever I think about it and that was eleven years ago now.

My sister Janna is a born comic as well, and whenever we weren't trying to kill each other we could be pretty amusing. Despite our young ages, we never cared if people stared at us as we produced the most annoying sound in the world. Even now, she can always crack me up. And when I make her laugh, I know that I must be really funny.

I have a larger audience now, but my sense of humor isn't what you'd call typical. I laugh at Whose Line, and the Golden Girls, or just at the random Chipmunks song on a burned CD that I've heard fifty times before. I do wonder what I must look like wandering through the store, headphones in ears, laughing to myself at my own thoughts of Super Wal-Mart Man. But I still don't care what people think of me.

Because it doesn't bother me when other people don't understand why I find funny the things that I do. They tell me that almost dying-again- shouldn't be funny. Sure it is. You just have to look at it the right way. Force me to be serious and I can do a good job at that. But why should I be? If nothing else, I do a pretty good job of entertaining myself. And if I'm really as funny as I think I am, you, too.

A Short Sentence of a Meme

I did see this on both John's blog and Blair's, but was actually tagged for it by Barbara. Right, now we've got the proper credit out of the way, this seemed good for a leisurely Saturday blog. Find the twenty-third post, fifth sentence, and no I'm not going to bother to explain it:
Because I can't be bothered with finding a clean spoon.